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More and more people these days are building their own computers. Not only does it cost less to put together a machine yourself, but you also get to avoid the ignorant, shifty-eyed salesmen in PC World who only exist to pressure you into buying a worthless extended warranty. So why doesn't everyone build their own computer?

Because, of course, most people don't know how. There is a mystique surrounding computers - we are led to believe that they are sophisticated and complicated pieces of equipment that need to be built by trained experts using special tools such as "screwdrivers". This is simply untrue.

Building a computer is a surprisingly easy process that requires no technical knowledge or expensive components. Just follow my easy tutorial and you will soon have a computer powerful enough to play the latest games like Half-Life 3 and Doom 7 - for almost no money at all!



[color=\"red\"]***DISCLAIMER***[/color]Dr. Ashen cannot, and by God will not, be held responsible for any harm or misfortune that befalls yourself or any of your belongings as a result of following this tutorial. The information in this tutorial is provided "as is" - no guarantees, warranties, promises or proposals of marriage are given or should be implied. Under no circumstances will Dr. Ashen or any of his wholly owned subsidiaries provide recompense for any loss of goods, earnings, health, hair, sanity or virginity incurred by following this tutorial. The value of investments can go down as well as up. Your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it. Dr. Ashen should be considered dangerous, and should not be approached by members of the public.

The Computer - An Overview

Before we begin in earnest, it's important to have an insight into the components of a modern computer. Here's a rundown of the parts of a PC-Compatible machine, together with a brief look at their purpose.

Case
This is, as the name suggests, simply a case used to hold all the main parts of the computer together. Traditionally, all cases were uniform beige boxes, but recently more interesting designs have become available. They all tend to retain a basic rectangular shape, except for Apple's range of Macintosh computers, which usually look like a dalek or an aquarium or something.

Case Modifications
A necessary part of any modern computer, case modifications perform the invaluable task of making the case look pretty. Typical examples are transparent windows, flashing lights, LCD readouts, dials to control fan speed and little signs reminding you to stop being such a ponce.

Electronic Gubbins
The heart of any computer, the gubbins consists of wires, microchips, green printed circuit boards, funny looking cables, heatsinks, more wires and little cooling fans. The gubbins is capable of processing information, displaying pictures on the monitor, passing information to and from the internet, storing pornography and becoming obsolete very quickly.

CD-ROM
The CD-ROM drive is basically a CD player which is used to load programs in to the computer. The CD-ROM was a huge breakthrough in computing as it created a means to store a considerable amount of data which could be read quickly and produced cheaply. At one fell stroke, the CD-ROM removed the restrictions caused by the older formats of data storage such as floppy disks, cassette tapes, gramophone records, wax cylinders and remembering huge strings of binary code.

Keyboard
The keyboard is used to enter text and control various functions of the computer. It is based on exactly the same design as a "QWERTY" typewriter, with a few extra buttons. The layout of the keyboard has remained basically unchanged since the early 1980's, except for three useless extra buttons which Microsoft forced everyone to add in 1995 just because they could.

Mouse
A mouse is a small handheld device used to interact visually with a computer. A pointer on the screen follows the mouse's movements. Early models worked by sensing the movement of a small ball with rollers, whereas more recent mice sense their position using an infra-red optical system. Hopefully we will soon be able to control most Windows computers by waving our hands about in front of a screen like in "Minority Report".

Monitor
Essentially a high-definition television, a monitor is used to view the functions and programs the computer processes. Recently, space-saving flat screen TFT monitors have become popular. These combine the benefits of making all movement blurry and costing three times as much as a standard cathode ray tube monitor.

Speakers
A computer's speakers perform the same task as the speakers of a hi-fi system: Simply, they produce sound. These days, speakers are mainly used to play illegally downloaded copies of the song "Can you dig it?" by The Mock Turtles.

REQUIRED PARTS

A cardboard box. Any fairly large cardboard box will do. Feel free to decorate it in whatever manner you see fit.

A television set. A 14" portable TV is preferred, but any colour model will suffice.

Electronic gubbins. You will need at least 2 green printed circuit boards, a funny looking cable and a metre of wires. These can be taken from pretty much any broken electronic equipment. Alternatively, parts like these can often be found in bins at the back of small businesses.

A standard 3-pin kettle power lead, a torch, and a length of bare wire (or solder).

A keyboard. Please note that an old fashioned typewriter will not work! You need an electronic keyboard. Although proper computer keyboards can be bought cheaply, I'm using a broken and dirty Amiga 600 I found in a skip.

A CD Player. A portable CD player is best due to it's compact size, but any device that can play CD's will be fine. Please note that you do not necessarily need built-in speakers - we will be making our own later.

Any infra-red remote control.

Two disposable plastic cups.

A Carrot

YOU WILL ALSO NEED SOME STICKYTAPE AND SOME BLU-TAC

WARNING - Van de Graaf generators do not make good case adornments





As you may well be aware, computer components are extremely sensitive to electrostatic shock. Even a small charge of static electricity can damage or destroy electronic parts.

For this reason, NEVER allow the evil Emperor from Star Wars to touch any of the components whilst you are building your computer.

SELLOTAPE makes it BETTER =)



Attach all the electronic gubbins to the inside of the box using sticky tape. Make sure that all the pieces are connected by wires (you may need to use the blu-tac to keep the wires in place).

Pierce the bottoms of the plastic cups and insert the end of a wire into each. Attach the other ends of the wire to the cardboard box with sticky tape. You now have speakers!


Fit a piece of bare wire (or solder) into each of of the holes on the power lead. Ensure that all three are connected - if not, your wiring may not be properly earthed, which could be potentially dangerous.


Using blu-tac, attach each of the three wires from the power lead to the same piece of metal on any piece of the electronic gubbins.

FINAL TOUCHES


Ensure that all the external parts of the computer are connected to the gubbins by wire. The only exception is the remote control which acts as your mouse. As explained earlier, optical mice work on an infra-red principle, and as such there is no need for a connecting wire.

Place the carrot on top of the box - this is used to lure a rabbit into sitting on top of your computer as a case modification.

THE FINISHED PRODUCT




Voila!
The rabbit makes an excellent case modification, as not only does it give your computer an unusual look but it reacts to sound too. It also acts as a temperature warning - if your computer gets too hot it will jump off.

Now for the fun part - testing your new PC!

TESTING


1. Plug the kettle lead into the mains.

2. Double check all connections, and switch the socket on.

3. Switch the socket off.


4. Locate the fuse box for your residence. (You may need to use the torch at this stage)

5. Change all the trip switches set in the "off" position to the "on" position.

6. Unplug the kettle lead.

7. Locate the rabbit, which will have got bored and hopped off by this time.
(Tip: It's probably behind the sofa, eating the carrot.)

Conclusion

You now have a fully working PC, made for almost no money at all!

If your PC does not work perfectly, then you are clearly an idiot, and have failed to properly follow this simple guide. But don't despair! Even if the end result is a totally non-functional pile of junk, it is still as reliable as any PC built with a VIA chipset and an ATI graphics card.

Click HERE for an audio version of this guide.


Thanks to Dr Ashen for this guide on budget computer making <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... /smile.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\':)\' />.

[color=\"blue\"] <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... lleyes.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\':rolleyes:\' /> Lovely way to make a computer, I never realised how easy it could be&#33; <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... /LSHIC.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\':lol:\' /> [/color]

[color=\"gray\"][font=\"tahoma\"]Yes, as i said, many people live under the impression that they are high priced and need to be built by professionals using high tech new fandangled devices like "Screwdrivers". But even you yourself can make one <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... >/blum.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\':P\' />. [/color][/font]