Nem
Subject: Letter to Bank
The letter, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent
to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place
for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive
at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee
to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access
my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous
New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)
