All Points Bulletin

[Tami]

All stations are to be on the lookout for the following individual who is WANTED by an agency(ies) within the United States of America. The US State Department has expressed interest in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the world for his seasonal crimes of festivity.
[b]
NAME[/b]
Kringle, Christopher Also Known As Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick
[b]
RACE[/b]
Giant Elf
[b]
HEIGHT[/b]
6\' 0\"
[b]
WEIGHT[/b]
320 lbs or more, depending on current level of cookie and milk consumption

[b]SCARS/TATTOOS[/b]
Tattoo across buttocks displaying the words Merry Christmas.

[b]LAST SEEN WEARING[/b]
Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear. Red hat, with white tassel.
[b]
KNOWN TO BE DRIVING[/b]
1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle was displaying a red light on front, in violation of the State of Alaska Vehicle and Traffic law.

[b]KNOWN ASSOCIATES[/b]
A talking snowman wearing a top hat
Nine talking reindeer, one with a radioactive nose
Hordes of little people wearing pointy shoes with bells on the toes
Various talking and singing animals
A toothless Yeti aka A Bumble
A hard-on-his-luck prospector carrying a pickaxe

[b]
WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CIMINAL VIOLATIONS[/b]
* Being Jolly in a No Jolly zone
* Breaking and entering dwellings
* Leaving un-addressed packages in violation of US Postal Laws
* Intentional dumping of reindeer feces in sewer drains in violation of US EPA Laws
* Unlawful crossing of US Borders without reporting the crossing to US Customs
* Failure to obtain a non-resident work permit from INS
* Operating a motor vehicle that is not in compliance with US DOT regulations
* Unlawful work practice in violation of the Equal Opportunity laws of the USA (Will not employ people taller than 4 feet)
* Excess noise from motor vehicle in violation of State of Alaska Vehicle and Traffic laws (Sound of HO HO HO coming from vehicle)
* Failure to respond to repeated request for Identification by FAA Flight controllers in violation of the sovereign airspace of the United States of America
* Constant evasion of the Department of Homeland Security investigating team

Individual is known to force Goodwill and Peace upon all men/women. Has been known to assault people with vicious bouts of laughter and fun.

If contact is made with the above individual, precautions should be taken to prevent infection. Symptons to be aware of include becoming inexplicably happy & joyful, especially with visions of sugarplums.

Detain individual and contact either Detective Grinch, North Pole Police Dept., Alaska, OR Special Agent Scrooge of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

[NightStorm]